Starwatch CLASSIC

In preparation for another FANTASTIFF TIFF (LOL), here's a classic UPDATE:

I've been tapped by VANITY FAIRT magazine to write a feature about the men of SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As we speak Matthew Lillard, Skeet Ulrich, David Arquette, Jamie Kennedy and I are drinking TURPENTINE out of our shoes in a dark alleyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is going to be such a SCOOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gess whose on TWITTWER!!!!!!!!!!?

That's right Starwatchers, now you can follow me on Twitter @starwatch_upd8z 

JUST IN TIME FOR TIFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M (NICKLE)BACK BABY!!!!!

Let me just start this post off bye saying I LOVE LOVE!!!

To all my devoted followers, I know it's been a long time since I last posted, I hope you'll let me explain.  As you may have noticed my last Update was about my favourite new band of 20011, the one and only "Nickle Back" ...Well wasn't I embarrassed to discover that they're not a new band AT ALL!

It turns out they've been putting out cds for years and are "bone-of-eyed" INTERNATIONAL SUPERSATRS (NTM really old)!!!  I was so humiliated at having failed at my only job of having my finger on the pulse of HOT CELEBS that I couldn't face you guys until I had made it better the only way I know how... 

A cut for every thousand records sold.

AAANYWAYS, I am finally out of hibernation and just in time for the NEWS OF THE MILLLENNIUMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THat's right...

                                              CHADVRIL LAVROEGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HELLO INDEED!!

That's right!!! As if you haven't heard already, the First Lady of Eastern Ontario Power-Pop-Punk Avril La Vigne* is getting married to the Noble and Talented Chad Kreoeger!!!!!!!!!!!!! You may remember that Avril was previously married to the unsettling half-man/half capuchin monkey hybrid Deryck (sp.?) Whitby of Some 41, but she's moved up the Evolutionary Ladder to Keroger who is at least 65% homo sapien (hetero sapien?).

Obviously news like this only raises more questions than answers: How did this worldwind romance go unnoticed by the Starwatch Elite?  When/where/why will they be getting betrothed?  How do I get a ticket?  Do his balls look weird?  How did she get him to abandon his wild ways?  Will this affect her perfume deal with Black Star?

 

So. F#@*king. Good.

I feel like I could go on all day, but let;s not blow our lode all at once here.  We've got plenty of time to watch these two Lovers pick out wedding uniforms, pose for pictures together, pick out a church and once all is said and done, consummate the marriage in what will hopefully result in a whole brood of intelligent, attractive, talented offspring.

Leave us out of this.

And I'll be here every step of the way.  But Please, on behalf of the Entertainment Celebrity Gossip industry, let's give these two their privacy, except for when they do stuff.

I'm telliung you people, this is my Roayal Wedding; my Kate and William; my Katy and Russel, my Mom and Dad (I wish!).  I have no doubt in my mind that this is TRUE LOVE and will last forever.  And if it doesn't, I will 100% kill myself.
See you soon True Love Believers!!!!

* Accroding to Google Translate, "Avril La Vigne" translates to April Vine, which sounds SUSPICIOUSLY like April Wine AKA Central Nova Scotia's top RockNRoll Supergroup.  So if you didn't think we were witnessing PURE CAN-ROCK ROYALTY, than let it be confirmed.  If you disagree then take it up with the CRTC OK??????

2011 Year in Review - Best New Band

Whazzup y'alls? It's yer number one besstie back again with the first in my A Year in Review series.

You know, once in a blue moon does a jernalist get the oppertunity to break a story so big the world can never be the same. This is one of those onces. And I am said jernalist. THAT"S RIGHT!!!

I've discovered this hot new band that is sure to rocket to the top of the record sales charts and the height of pulbic opinion in 2012, and it is now my humbel plesure to introduce to you the best new band in the world...

NICKLEBACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Modern day Princess Dianas.

 Now I'm not usually a fan of Rock and Roll, but these guys are the REAL THING!!!

My aunt Jen bought me an "I-tunes" giftcard so I just clicked on the first band I saw, and boyoboyoboy was I a lucky boy. Nickleback consists of a drummer, a bass guitarman, a plain guitarman, and a singer (vox) named Chad, who by the way is the EPITOME of COOL!!!!!!!!!

suave AND sophisticated

I can't wait until they play the local arena in my town... I just hope they don't blow up before then, I'd like to keep them my little secret for a little bit longer. LOL!!!!!!!!!

Recommended track: Crayfish Blues.

GESS WHOSE BACK!!!!?

FIRST THING"S FRIRST!!  I just want to sat "Thank-You" to my supportres who have seen me through this very veery very veruy difficcult time in my life and I'm now proud to say:

IM FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

If you dont' know, I guess it's my duty as a reporter to "pull an Orprah" and tell you why I haven't been around in a while.

It all started at TIFF.  I was SUPER excited to be at the first Tronto Innernational FilmFest since I started this blog, and I guess it showed.  Every celeb I approached was very far away from me and acted as if they couldn't hear what I was saying. 

By the last day my natural "investagative journalist" instincts kicked in and I had a plan.  I crouched into the room service cart at Gorge Cloomey's hotel and waited. And waited. AND WAITED (lol). I waited forever, until I fell asleep, but lo and benold, I actually woke up underneath a couple of egs florentine in Georg's room. I kind of freaked and he immediately called nine-oneone, and the police didn't really get the joke, (once they got there).

Long story short, I have been "away form my computer" for a few months, and even now the supreme court of Ontario does not approve of me writing this blog, but it's such a relief to be free, and I'm pretty sure that sooner than later G.C. will realixe that we're maent to be 2gether.

P.S. The day I was freed Kim Kardassian and Kris Krumphries Krivorced... Koincedence? I Kink Knot...

FROM THE ARCHIVES!! Pt. 2WO!

Here's another BLAST FROM THE PAST.


TIFF STARWATCH UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I sat next to TRINI the Yellow Power Ranger (Mighty Morphine) on the Spadina Streetcar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I kept whispering "It's morphine time!" and "Sabertooth Tiger" in her ear, but she eventually got upset and assaulted me in a manner that can only be described as RAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Needless to say I'm STARSTRUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the Meantime (AKA 2011), can we please get the train started on a SPEECHLESS SEQUEL?!?!?!?!
WHERE THE FRIG ARE MIKAEL KEETON AND GEENA DAVIDS PLEASE? 

FROM THE ARCHIVES!!

Here's a couple of Starwatch Updates from a year ago today! THis is where it all got started.

OMG you guys!!!!! I'm keeping my eyes peeled for STARS!!!!!!!!!!!! I think I saw the guy from that band!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I thought I saw Joaquin Phoenis, but it was just a homeless guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

TIFF STARWATCH UPDATE!!!!!! I'm pretty sure I just saw Miss Piggy! Is she still with Cookie Monster? It's been IMPOSSIBLE to follow her dating life since Kermit left her for Grover(aka GROVERMIT). They seem happy though. ANYWAY I'm heading to the Hard Rock Cafe now, it seems like every time I go there I see a CELEB. It's always Kim Mitchell though. TTYL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Thank G*d that Joaquin Phoeniks thing was a hoax.